If I was to ask you, “What’s the key to marriage?” Like most people you probably have thought this or asked this question at some point in your life. Most answers I will get back are, love is key. Other’s might say trust, or forgiveness, or communication, or unconditional acceptance, spending time together, sex or friendship. Maybe you would say that these are the key to marriage. I grew up defining marriage success in this statement, love is the key and sex is the glue.
I’d like to share a different viewpoint, that while all these aspects are important, the key to marriage is your singleness! You may be thinking, “what did Aaron just say?” “Did he just say he suggest that the key to marriage is being single?” “Isn’t being single the opposite of being married?” You’re joking right?
Well, let me lay a case to why I’m so convinced that the solution to your marriage is your singleness. Let’s start with a story about a busy business executive who was working from home in his office who kept getting interrupted by his four-year-old son asking his dad to play with him. After several attempts from the son and dad denying to play, the dad found a map of the world from a magazine. He tore out the page and cut up the map of the world into several pieces and gave it to his son and said, “Put this map together and come back when you’re finished.” Thinking this buy him 30 minutes, the son came walking back in after two minutes and said, “Daddy, it’s all done.” The dad was shocked that his son put it together so fast and asked his son how he put the map together so quickly. To that the son replied, “There was a picture of a man on the back, so when I put the man together the entire world came together.” In the same way, if you want your world to come together in your marriage and relationships you must first put yourself together.
I love this story! It so plainly shows the value of focusing on the individual. Realize we cannot control other people or outcomes from others, we can only control what we do. We are 100% responsible for our attitude and actions and no one else. That should be an encouraging thing to hear because when we make ourselves a better person we make others around us better.
There are two types of relationships in the world. The first is the relationship you have with other people. This is probably the one you thought of. However, the second is the relationship you have with yourself. This is the most important relationship. Think about this statement, to fall in love with someone you must first fall in love with yourself. This means you first need to know who you are, what you are but also who you are not and what you are not. Because in the end, you attract not what you want but who you are.
Looking at this biblically, 1 Corinthians 11:28 states, that a man must examine himself. Also Genesis 2:7 states, that the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and the man became a living being. If nothing else proves that the key to marriage and relationships is singleness, then hear this point. If being single wasn’t important then why would God have started the entire human race with a single person?
Most people probably confuse being single with being by yourself or lonely. To be single means to be whole, lacking nothing while lonely implies something is missing. So, with that in mind let me share a few points about singleness and marriage.
- Marriage is like an omelet, it’s only as good as the ingredients.
- Have you ever tried to mix one good egg and one rotten egg? If not, well it doesn’t exactly work. The rotten egg makes the omelet stink and taste awful.. The good habits, the bad habits, your life perspectives, and opinions all are brought into the marriage like the ingredients in mixing the omelet. This leads to the next point.
- Marriage is only as good as your singleness.
- Another way of phrasing this is, what we bring to the marriage is who we are as a single. Your habits, your way of life, your way of thinking are all brought down the isle with you. In many cases these habits, way of life and way of thinking are not revealed until after you are married. This is why it’s so important to have discussions prior to marriage on each of these subjects with respect to work, career, how many kids you want, how you will raise kids, religion, going to church, money, how money is shared and spent, where and how you will live, etc. We need to do this to manage expectations. You may be asking, well that sounds great, but I’m already married. What do I do? Well, I’d say, start. It’s never too late to begin. Have these conversations, and I would recommend regularly because every one of us are always growing and changing.
- Many people think the solution to their loneliness is marriage.
- Have you met someone who was so desperate to get married? I bet you have a friend who meets this description. This is a sign that these people are not single. They are not a whole person. I can say this for a fact because I experienced this during my college years. One of my goals in college was to find a wife. It was my senior year and hadn’t found someone to call “girlfriend” let alone call “wife.” I was so desperate to find a wife that I became depressed and lonely. I lost trust in God that I’d met someone. In just over a month’s time I lost 12 pounds because I lost my appetite and rarely ate. I was not a whole person, a fraction of person, maybe only a half person and not ready for marriage. It was in that time that God touched my life in a new way and restored me back to being a whole person. There shortly after, I met my future wife and was then ready for marriage.
- Marriage is a 100/100 deal!
- Marriage is not a 50/50 deal! This implies you are half a person, like I was. If I had gotten married while being half a person, I’d bring all the baggage into the relationship and ultimately weigh down my spouse. Now she would have to pick me up, drag me around, or pump me up on every situation because I wasn’t a whole person.
- Be fully committed not to your marriage but to you spouse. Because those who do marriage undo “death” do us part and not when “life” comes. Life happens and those who “do” marriage have “done” marriage and not “tried” marriage. Those who “tried” marriage, are like those who “tried” to go to the bathroom, they just end up with a big mess!
- To be single should be the goal of every married person
- To be single simply means whole. To be single should be state of being pursued.
You might be in a similar situation like I was. I know you want your marriage and relationship to work, otherwise you wouldn’t be readying this, right? If you are looking to find yourself, find how to be single, how to be a whole person, want a better marriage, want to find your purpose or calling, or simply want to become a better version of yourself I’d encourage you and I to speak. I’m here to help navigate you through the rough waters.